Hell on Earth
by The Goddess of the Madhouse
Summary: Yami Bakura finally goes to hell, and he plans on taking over, but to do that he’ll have to get in with the overlord first Test one: Go to earth and corrupt a group of do gooders, and he’s got a few people in mind. rated for cursing and overall stupidity.
1. To hell and Back

Damn that Damned Pharaoh, he and all his Damn friends should all go to hell! It's very warm here. Yes, I your Lord, and Savior has finally made it to hell, and I fully intend to take over. But to start I'll have to see who's high up around here. I started my quest by getting a job as a new arrival, and after a record three weeks, I'm the underling of the big man himself! Yes, you may bask in my glory now. Anyway, I've got to make it to the newest apprentice position that Lucifer has. But to do that I've got to try out. I'm on my way to the interview now.

"Mr. Bakura, you may step in now." He says and I walk in.

"That's Thief King Bakura, IF you don't mind." I say as I walk in "I'm a Tyrant, from an evil village, I've killed many a person, and am extremely infamous, and I like setting things on fire, need I say more?"

He chuckled, "No, you can have the position..." he paused "IF you complete three tasks."

"Well, what are they?" I asked in anticipation

"First," He paused "you must…." He paused again "make me a Sandwich!" he said and I fell off my chair as he chuckled. About fifteen minutes later, I walked into the room with a turkey sandwich that I learned to make wile on earth. "Hmmm, good now onto your second task." He wiped mustard off his mustache "I want you to do the incubus test, get a girl to fall in love with you and steal her soul; you won't even have to leave the city to do that."

I saluted and walked into the streets after a minute or two I saw an attractive woman with short blond hair, who was walking around by herself, looking lost. A new arrival. Perfect. I walked up to her, and smiled she immediately swooned and I leaned in and kissed her, stealing her soul and walking back into the office.

Once I walked in the big man was there smoking a cigar, and smiled "good, now your last task is…" he paused, _what is WITH this guy and dramatic pauses?_ "Go to earth, and corrupt at least seven people on earth, pick them now"

I quickly made a list:

1. Yami

2. Malik

3. Marik (already corrupted! A freebee!)

4. Ryo

5. Kaiba

6. Yugi

7. Joey

"Hmmm, pick one more, A tough one." He said.

"Fine I'll take Tea, you know what I'll corrupt all of that do gooder group!" I said, in a (rare) moment of stupidity, and arrogance.

"Hmm, fine but if you fail, you'll be put through the torture of a thousand deaths." He said as I winced. "Now go, you've got people to corrupt, once you get there we'll have a nice apartment and food and money provided for you, the rest of your directions will be there." And before I could say another word I disappeared into a flame and was flung back onto earth.

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TRG: Hiya, so yeah that's part one, make sure ya review or I'll bite you.  



	2. one down and The email fight

I don't own Yugioh, a penthouse or the e-mail addresses listed here, it's Leo who I must give credit to on that. I do own the original Idea of Lucifind, though I don't own a search engine CALLED Lucifind. Thank you to my beautiful reviewers I luff you all!

* * *

I walked through the streets smirking as I thought of what to do to corrupt the brats. Wile I was thinking I made my way to the address Lucifer had given me. Turns out that I'm living in a PENTHOUSE now! I knew I would get a nice place but a PENTHOUSE! This is going to be fun…. The place has all modern furnature (leather) and a 60 inch plasma screen. I walked into the kitchen past the 8foot long jaccusi tub(!) and picked up a pamphlet.

Bakura King of Thieves, _so he finally gets it eh?_

I hope your new home is to your liking, because all this comes at a price, you will have to corrupt Kaiba in the next week and a half or you will be out of your job. I expect you to have him corrupted in AT LEAST one of these ways:

Alcoholic

Obsessive Compulsive (Isn't he already?)

Or make him attracted to someone in only a sexual way, Lust is after all one of the unforgivable sins.

Good Luck,

Lucifer

This simpleminded twit is giving me an easy guy to corrupt all I have to do is get him a few margarita's or get him incredibly horny and I win. This'll be a steal.

The next day I walked into the kitchen in my (silk) bathrobe. One thing I can say about Lucifer is he's given me every possible advantage to get my job here done, he gave me a cell phone that not only comes with a vibrator but has an erotic boutique on speed dial, so yes, I'm going for the Lust corruption. I walked up to the Kaiba mansion and I went over to a butler, knocked him out and stole his uniform. The Kaiba maids are allowed to wear pretty much anything they want as long as their butts or chests aren't sticking out, bah, no wonder he has no friends. The men on the other hand have to wear tuxes at all times! Can you believe that! Kaiba's sexist I tell you, sexist!

Now before I continue my rant Kaiba himself walks up to me and asks who I am. "I'm your new butler" I answer eyeing him seductively.

"Fine, get to work" he says in a cold tone but I defiantly saw him blush.

Later on at around 11:30pm I come upstairs and enter Kaiba's office to see him typing away on his computer. After rolling my eyes I walk over to him and put a tray of chocolate ice cream, with whipped cream, caramel and chocolate syrup at the table. "Mokuba requested you eat this." I say, since EVERYONE by now has figured out that he's Kaiba's one big weakness, I mean he only gets kidnapped every other week!

"I don't want any." He says plainly and continues typing.

Damn this guy is resisting, well I must not be the first one to come after him, he IS a CEO after all "well," I say, sticking my finger in the whipped cream and then licking it off as soon as I was sure he was watching "It's good." I smiled seductively as I saw him swallow.

I walked out for about five minutes and came back up with a whipped cream bottle "Would you like some more-" I paused to see Kaiba looking shocked at his er parts that were now very….prominent. I smirked as I saw this. "Here Mr. Kaiba, "said closing the door. "Let me help you with that."(A/N: I swear, I have a sick mind, If I didn't want the rating to go up, I'd post a lemon, as a matter of fact, I'll post the uncut version on quizilla message me if you're interested)

The next day I called the big man and told him I corrupted the target. "Good, that was faster than I expected." He said "since you managed in only one day you have the rest of the week and a half off. Expect your next assignment on Wednesday."

A week with nothing to do, well since I've got this Ra damned computer I may as well use it. It popped onto a page called Lucifind apparently he has his own personal search engine too. I smirked and typed in Marik Ishtar. This is what came up.

MARIK ISHTAR

Age: unknown

Gender: Also unknown ( I snorted when I saw this)

Hight: 5' 8

Personal information: The 'Yami' or darker side of his counterpart, miscevious and will no dobut be a great help once sent to hell. Used to be partener in crime of Bakua the tomb robber, who is currently trying for the title of apprentice of Lucifer.

e-mail: MARIKOWNSTHEWORLD

Figures the idiot would do something like that I snorted and sent him and e-mail

To: MARIKOWNS THE WORLD

From: Bakura the Spirit Thief

Subject: Since when do you have an e-mail address?

Marik

How's wreaking havoc been without me? Yes I KNOW it's not as fun without an accomplice, or as I prefer to call it, a Mastermind. I know you've got nothing better to do than to answer me, so hurry up.

Thief King Bakura

About ten minutes later I got a reply.

To: BAKURA THE SPIRIT THIEF

From: Marik Owns the World

Subject: What hole did you crawl out of?

Bakura

Where the HELL have you been for three months? I heard you finally died! Yes It has been boring without you, no one else understands how to have fun. And how can you call yourself a mastermind when you got caught stealing a CANDYBAR!

Marik the Future ruler of the world

Bastard, now it's on.

To: MARIKOWNS THE WORLD

From: Bakura the Spirit Thief

Subject: That's exactly where I've been

Marik future king of fools, current imbecile

I've been in Hell this whole time, Lucifer sent me up here to corrupt people. That candy bar thing was only once and it wasn't only one candy bar it was a whole damn CART of candy bars! Plus I know it was that damn pharaoh who siced the guards on me!

Thief King Bakura

I was satisfied with my reply and then another reply came back

To: BAKURA THE SPIRIT THIEF

From: Marik Owns the World

Subject: Re: That's exactly where I've been

What the hell? You've been to hell, and back! Damn, I guess I owe you one request what'll it be? And the Pharaoh was with his tiny hikari in Hawaii that day! You can't blame this one on him.

Marik future slave to Bakura the thief king

Let me explain, just for the hell of it me and Marik made a bet one day that the first one of us to get to hell and back would do something that the other said, no questions asked. What! We were bored, it was a hot day, we were delusional, well MORE delusional.

To: MARIKOWNS THE WORLD

From: Bakura the Spirit Thief

Subject: Oh how original…..

You can't even think up a subject retort anymore feh, what have you been up to this whole time? Becoming GOOD? I'll think about my request a wile. I like seeing you squirm. SO WHAT that the Pharaoh was in Hawaii! EVERYTHING is his fault! Don't you know?

Bakura King of Thieves

To: BAKURA THE SPIRIT THIEF

From: Marik Owns the World

Subject: Shut up Bakura

Bakura, the baka

I can too think up a retort, I'm not going to waist my time and brain power on YOU. Damn you, why can't you just give me the damn request? You know that's just like you, bastard. And no I don't think it's ALL his fault, just mostly, candybars have nothing to do with the Pharaoh.

Marik you're soon to be overlord

Right that'll happen Marik. And then I'll fall in love with my shoe.

To: MARIKOWNS THE WORLD

From: Bakura the Spirit Thief

Subject: My overlord? You'll be lucky to be my underdog!

Marik my little footman

I won't dive you your request because I like torturing you. Have I not already said this? Anyway I'll be around, see you.

The worship worthy Bakura

I sent the e-mail and turned off my computer, wondering what I should do now. "Wonder if Kaiba's free." I smirked and walked out the door.

* * *

This was a fun episode to write, hope you enjoyed it! This was the result of me not having to go to school anymore, sugar and the song you gotta be 


	3. Duncan Donuts

A week later, my cell phone rang, at the most inconvenient time too! I mean I was right in the middle of stealing that sign on top of Duncan donuts, and I almost had it too! Why was I stealing the Duncan Donuts sign you ask? Well, It all started three days ago, Marik, who's the only one besides Kaiba that knows I'm here and I were walking back from the bar after a long night of drinking, when he decided that we should try to get rid of our hangovers by drinking coffee. I agreed so we went into the store, and bought a donut and a cup of coffee and sat down.

We had gotten into a nice conversation about photography-what? Thieves have hobbies too! - When he noticed the sign on top of the Duncan Donuts and asked me why we hadn't noticed it before. "I don't know Marik," I said "Maybe it's because we were so drunk we mistook EACHOTHER for girls!"

He looked strangely thoughtful for a minute before saying something so stupid that I thought I was still hearing things. "Why would they have a giant donut on the roof?" proceeded by "Wonder what flavor it is." If I wasn't hung over at the time I would've hit him on the head for being so stupid, but alas I was in a drunken stupor at the time and I immediately began to wonder myself what flavor the donut was.

"Hey Bakura," he said looking over at the giant donut.

"Yeah?" I replied, thinking in the back of my mind that I was about to regret this.

"I bet you couldn't steal that donut off the roof without being caught!" He said and turned to see my reaction.

"You idiot," I yelled "How do you expect me to do that? I'd need a truck to put it on, a place to stash it, and a diversion!" I glared "Were you dropped on your head as a child?"

Marik sighed "We've already been over this Bakura," he said in a superior way "yes, I was….twice." and he sighed again "Or can you not do it?" he smirked.

"What are you implying?" I asked in a dangerous tone, and began to glare at him but I guess I drank more than I thought last night because I glared too hard and my head started to hurt.

Marik snorted as I clutched my head in pain "I'm saying that maybe those months in hell have made you loose your touch."

Now THIS I wouldn't stand for, "Fine then Marik, I'll do it, but if and when I succeed you'll become my slave for a month."

He smirked at this "Agreed, but if I win the bet you'll become mine." We shook hands and walked out of the shop.

And that's how I got here on top of Duncan donuts ant 2am, this is an especially risky case because not only will I be Marik's slave for a month if I get caught, but my victims will know I'm here before their time.

Then the Ra damned phone had to ring "Yes?" I said, so he knew he had caught me at a bad time.

"Bakura, your week is up and you'll need to receive your new assignment." Lucifer said calmly.

"Sure, can I call you back? I'm in the middle of something." I asked, searching the road for any cars.

"Fine but hurry up, this one's going to be pretty hard." He said and hung up.

I had finally detached the last screw from the sign, as I had learned to do from so many ears of trying to squish the Pharaoh, not that he isn't short enough already. I went over to the flatbed I stole from a truck stop,-what? No one was using it!- and I loaded it carefully onto the truck, started the truck and rode away.

When I got to Marik's house, the look on his face was priceless, "Impossible." he said.

"Silence slave," I ordered and threw the keys to him "Now go dispose of this." I said and walked off.

Once I had gotten back to my penthouse I felt like celebrating, but remembered that I had to talk to the big man and decided to let it wait. "Allright Lucifer, send over my next assignment." I said and hung up, not wanting to be asked what I had been doing. About a minute later a paper came out of the fax machine, I smirked as I picked it up but that smirk quickly turned into a grimace as I saw who my next target was.

* * *

Dun dun dun, who is it? any guesses? I just figured out that the initials of my story spells HOE ' I don't know WHY I'm even realizing this.  



	4. At the mall

* * *

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! And the voices in my head who are currently tied up thank you too. Sorry it took me so long to update, but, I'm lazy. ' Ok soo...

Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh, hot topic, hollister (thank god!), a food court (damnit.), a mall, pink pj's (Kaiba: They're magenta!), firecrackers, a midgit, friendship preacher or part time hooker.

* * *

"TEA!" I yelled into the phone at my unfortunate little slave.

"Relax Bakura." He sighed.

"Don't tell me to relax! TEA! TEA! The preacher girl! TEA!" I yelled into the phone.

"You're right, you're screwed." Marik said.

"MARIK!" I yelled.

"Ok, ok, Bakura you're the king of thieves, you'll think of something." He said and hung up.

"Great, just great."

The next day your wonderful and incredibly handsome ruler…..Yes ME! Who else do you know that's incredibly handsome? ….Kaiba is SOOOOO not handsomerer than me! Yes, handsomerer, I can make up words, and you can't so shut up. Anyway I was at the mall because they have this really cool store there called hot topic, and they've got some great stuff, like mesh shirts, and sharp collars. I might sent one to Joey,…..from Kaiba. Those two are so sexually deprived, they have to call each other and have a yelling match every night just to-Damn phone, hold on, I'm not done ranting…."Yes?...This fic's rated T? Well, raise the rating then!...fine….damn lazy authors…Nothing! Geez…" Now, where was I? Ah yes, your sexiness, The great one-no I didn't steal that from the rock!- Me, was at the mall getting clothes, that make me look evil, when I looked out of the shop for a second and saw in a store called Hollister, Tea! Looking at a pink T-shirt. PINK! Can you believe that? Ugh, why do I get stuck with the girly ones, you'll never believe Kaiba's pajamas, they're pink. I swear it's true! Really they- hold on, phone again…. "What?...Oh, ok, I'll tell them that then….bye." Kaiba says they're magenta, not pink….fruit.

Back to my point, she was in the store across from me, so I stepped out and watched her go down to the food court. Then naturally I followed her, I was hungry, and if this plan went right, I wouldn't have to pay. "Excuse me." I said in the nicest way possible.

She smiled and looked up,"Ye-BAKURA!" Stupid girl, screaming in terror, do I look like a psycho that's planning to kill her?...Don't answer that.

I quickly covered her mouth, and sat down across from her "Shh, don't make a scene! I'm not here to hurt you, I just wanna ask a favor."

She looked at me questioningly "What is it?"

I looked down, time to put on my Ryo act. "Well, I've decided it's time to change my ways, I'm done trying to kill the pharaoh and take over the world." I paused as she looked at me like I had just said something stupid,….like Joey, which I the awesome and powerful King of Thieves do not do! Mwahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaha-where was I? "I was thinking about who could turn me good, and who had enough patience and morals to help, and you came to mind." Yup TEA, not Ryo, my forgiving hikari, not Yugi, the worlds most optimistic midget, YOU the friendship preacher and part time hooker.

"Well….." she paused, my Ra! She's actually CONSIDERING this! "Fine, but only because you really want to change. Meet me at the clock tower on Saturday, at two." She said and got up to leave.

"Allright, and Tea?" She stopped and looked at me "Please don't tell anyone, I'm not ready to let them know I'm here yet."

She looked at me sympathetically-SYMPAHETICALLY! The nerve of that preacher, to go and sympathize me, the good looking, charming, cunning awesome, handsomerer then Kaiba, Bakura! Whew, that was a lot to say-er think, I need to stop and breathe, hold on……"Why're you staring at me like that? Haven't you ever seen a person run out of mental breath before?"

She sweatdropped at this "Let me guess, mental rant of superiority?" I nodded "This is going to be some strange experience." She laughed, and walked away.

"Damn right it's going to be strange! Everything about me is strange!" I yelled to her across the room, and I could see her laugh…..damnit, I just insulted myself, didn't I?

I got home and flopped down on the couch, I had bought fireworks and I lost them on my way home. What a waste…. Just then I turned on the TV and the reporter said that a car had been blown up around the area I was walking in, and police think that it had been blown up by….fireworks! "Hmm, I guess those weren't such a waste after all, who lit them though?" I was enjoying my semi victory, when the damn phone rang….AGAIN!

"What?" I grumbled into the phone

"Bakura, did you see the news?" someone on the other line asked.

"Yes Marik, I did and I'm wondering who lit my firecrackers."

"Well here's the thing, I was walking around that area at the time and you'll never guess who I saw fleeing the scene!"

My eyes were half lidded "Who? Let me guess, Ishisu?"

"No! She blew up a car on another side of town…I saw the pharaoh's brat!"

"No way, HE blew up the car?"

"Yeah and it was hilarious, the top of his hair got caught on fire, and he had to beat it against a dumpster to put it out!" Marik said, and then proceeded to laugh manically into the phone, until I heard a smack on the other end an a womans voice saying.

"Stop it Marik, we're not taking you to the emergency room if cough up your lungs….again…"

I blinked…I blinked again "Umm, do I wanna know?"

"No. I've gotta go, people to do places to see, you know…" he said and hung up. Bastard, he stole my line!


	5. in the trees

Oh my god, I actually updated! I know I know dodges toasters hey! Sai's abs have you on speed dial! And I 'll get them to come after you!

* * *

Hello, again It is I your handsome and wonderful ruler, Bakura. You just couldn't get enough of me could you? I thought so, well as you can see, I'm waiting for that bumbiling fool Tea. I never thought that I would say this, but I want her to get here already. Wait there she is, Yup, Pink top, mini skirt, friendship (fuck) (A/N: Credit for this goes to leo) smile on her face. The tourture begins. "Goodmorning Bakura!" She says prepily(Is that a word? It is now.)

Well she suggested we go to some café thing, so we can start. Well I should at least listen half assed, so I can fake knowing what's going on. "Well, I didn't really know what to do when you asked for my help, so I figured we'd start like this, tell me your favorite things." She says and puts a smile on. Hmm my favorite things, dreaming up plans to kill the pharaoh, winning bets, pointy things, shiny things, causing trouble, corrupting people, being told how hot I am….as if I didn't already know.

"Well, I like….shiny things!" I say for lack of anything that could put this plan in jeopardy otherwise that I can say. Damnit, I'm censoring myself.

"Well, that's….nice. What about foods?"

"I like Ice cream, whipped cream and chocolate syrup." I say and stifle a smirk, ah the memories. As I'm taking a trip down memory boulevard (A/N: Lane.) WHATEVER! I notice Tea, and well everyone else is staring at me funny…..Ah it seems I've been laughing maniacally for ten minutes straight. That WOULD explain it.

"Em, okay Bakura we'll try that again some other time, this was….a good start" She says and leaves.

"Stupid girl," I mutter, as I walk to Marik's place, hope no one else's home. As I get to the door, I wonder, _how the hell am I supposed to get him to answer the door again?_ _Ah! That doorbell thing. Right. _So I rang the doorbell and Malik came to the door. Damnit.

"Ahh! Crap, Bakura!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The screams and tries to get his sister, when he's met with a hand and knocked to the floor. I look over only to see Isis, standing there, looking at her brother in self pity.

"Bakura, come in." She smiles.

"Umm, what the hell?" I ask as I walk in.

"Hmm? Oh, I signed a contract with Lucifer three years ago." She said "how do you think I keep my skin so beautiful?"

I give her a genuine WTF look and then remark "Ah, I always thought you were bitchy.

See and Marik blamed it on permanent PMS."

She snorted and brought Marik to the door. "Thanks Isis, bye!" he said and we walked out, as we were walking Marik explained "Isis was really breaking out in zits that year, so she made the pact and poof! She's got clear skin. Thing is the side effect is that she's got really bad taste in men. I mean, the pharaoh, Kaiba, Joey, THE PHARAOH."

"Hmm, very true." I said as we walked into a bar "Oh, and Marik?? No donut jacking this time."

Damnit, my head hurts. Yes, I your sexy overlord Bakura am indeed hung over. Stop smirking, it's too loud….Ra damned phone. "What." I say into the phone, about to send the stupid thing to the shadow realm.

"Bakura, my brother's missing, do you have any idea where he went?"

"Have you checked alleys and bars?" I said, not really caring.

"Yes."

"dumpsters?"

"Twice"

"haunted houses?"

"….yes."

"Abandoned bathrooms?"

"Yes."

"School?"

"…..I have to go." She said hanging up, apparently she hadn't realized that he terrorized the school twice a week. I would've gone, but sadly I'm supposed to be dead. So, what's on the to kill list today? Ah. Right I have to meet that Tea girl. Well may as well get up, and watch Marik annoy people.

I your sexy overlord arrived at the school, and saw Marik asking that brown haired dude about his hair. I was vaguely aware of the odd looks I was getting, but ignored them. "Can you write with that?" Marik asked.

"No, I can't, stop asking!" That pointy dude yelled.

"Can you kill people with it?!?!"

"no."

"Can you heal people with it like a unicorn?"

"Yeah Marik. Sure." He deadpanned.

Big mistake, Marik was now asking twenty questions a second about the hair. And…are his eyes shining? "Really, cause I've got a cut on my-"

"Shut up!"

"Geez…I was only asking." I began to chuckle.

"What the…that tree is laughing." Yami raised an eyebrow and walked up to the tree, as I jumped out.

I suppose I should get going to find that stupid cheerleader now.

I got to the meeting place, where I was promptly blinded. Who knew that girl was so bright? Oh, never mind the shojo fanfic above this story, and I just crossed paths. I shrugged and walked to the bi- I mean Tea…. "Hello." She jumped out of her seat.

"You, you scared me…" she stood up straight "now, let's go." I smirked evilly as I followed.

* * *

Tea's nightmare begins! when the date isn't bad enough though, Lucifer calls him saying that he has to corrupt her, or else hell may utterly come to an end. Time to bring out the big guns... oh yeah, it's time for the horrors of fanfics.  



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